


Buffering

by moongay



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-18 18:34:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29494386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moongay/pseuds/moongay
Summary: Dan has spent his life isolated by his stutter. When he starts talking to his favourite YouTuber Phil Lester online, Dan has a renewed drive to overcome his barriers.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 7
Kudos: 35





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the gorgeous Kurt/Blaine fic [Interludes](https://archiveofourown.org/works/428852/chapters/723509) by shandyall.
> 
> Everything I know about speech therapy and stuttering is from online research and documentaries. Apologies for any inaccuracies.

Dan had stammered as long as he could remember.

There hadn’t been some dramatic accident. He hadn’t been electrocuted, or in a car crash, or ‘dropped on his head as a baby’ as people at school liked to speculate. He had just been cursed with the inability to perform one of the most basic human tasks.

During primary school, he managed to get by just being the ‘quiet kid’ but secondary school wasn’t so easy. He was bullied relentlessly for his stammer. Quickly given the nickname ‘Dah Dah’, after the sound he made when he tried to say his name, he would be flooded with sneers of “Hey Dah Dah.” from students as he walked through the hallway. He had no friends, because no one had the patience to wait 3 minutes for him to say each sentence; and honestly, Dan couldn't blame them.

Worried about how his stammer might ‘impact his future’, his parents had forced him into speech therapy at a young age. His therapist had been a lady called Anne who always wore a completely colour co-ordinated outfit, and whose office smelt strongly of lavender. Their therapy sessions abruptly ended when she asked a 12-year-old Dan if he could speak the sentence they had been working on and he had replied “I d-d-don’t want to s-s-ssspeak your fucking sentence, these s-s-sessions are bullshit.” Dan’s parents didn’t sign him up for therapy again.

In his teenage years, Dan found solace on the internet. He could interact with people without them even having to know about his stammer, and he made friends through online gaming and blogs. It was a place where he could finally express himself. He spent all his spare time online - as soon as he got home from college, he would go to his room and open his laptop, only leaving his bed when his Mum called him for dinner.

Discovering the YouTube community, and the world of vlogging, was a particular turning point. He felt he _knew_ the vloggers he watched, which made him feel less alone. The communities were tight-knit, like he was finally part of something. Dan longed to make his own YouTube channel, but pushed the idea aside when he remembered that no one would want to watch a video of an awkward British guy stammering for 4 minutes.

Dan was in his usual position in bed, watching a video, when there was a tap on his door. “Yeah.” Dan grunted, and his Mum entered the room. When Dan saw who it was he looked back down at his screen, resuming the video.

“You spend way too much time on that thing. It’s such a nice day, don’t you want to go out and spend time with your friends?” Dan ignored her. She sighed, continuing. “I was thinking that I might head to the shopping centre to have a look around if you would like to come?” Dan didn’t respond again. “Daniel Howell. Will you please switch that thing off and listen to me.” His Mum snapped, stepping forward and closing the laptop screen.

“Hey, I was www-w-watching that!” Dan protested.

“I’m going into town and you are coming with me.” She asserted. Dan begrudgingly agreed.

Pulling a clean t-shirt over his head, he looked in the mirror, running his hands through his hair to try and calm his unruly curls. He sighed, grabbing his shoes.

***

Blissfully, they didn’t bump into anyone that Dan knew from school in town. After pottering around a few shops, and completing his Mum’s errands, they headed to Caffe Nero for a coffee. It was a pleasant day and there was a sizeable queue of people waiting. They were almost at the counter, when his Mum’s phone started buzzing in her pocket. She took it out, looking at the caller ID. “I’m sorry Dan, I really need to get this.” Before he could get a word out, she had left the shop. The Barista finished serving the customer in front of him, and turned to him.

“Hello, what can I get for you?” He asked.

“Um, c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-” Dan could feel his heart rate increasing. His palms starting to sweat. The barista raised an eyebrow. He paused, swallowing the lump in his throat. “I, um. I wwww-w-w-w-w-wwww-w-w-w-w-w-w-“

“Do you want to order or not?” The barista said, irritation in his voice that Dan was all too familiar with. Someone behind him in the queue gave an impatient huff.

“Uh.” Dan felt like time had stopped. He could feel bile rising in his throat, his heart beating out of his chest. Keeping his eyes glued to the floor, he bolted out of the café, nearly crashing into a couple entering the shop. “Hey, watch it!” The man called out, but Dan didn’t look back. Collapsing on a nearby bench, Dan put his head in his hands and focused on calming his breathing.

A few minutes later, he heard footsteps approaching him. “Dan, there you are.” His Mum said. Dan snapped his head up at the sound of her voice, anger bubbling up in his chest. “What happened?”

“What hah-hah-happened? You left m-me in the bloody queue! You know I cah-cah-can’t sp-pppeak to sssstrangers.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry Dan. I didn’t think.”

“No, you d-d-d-didn’t.” Dan spat.

“I thought you were getting better, that you were over this kind of thing.”

Dan let out a hollow laugh. “Well I’m ssss-s-s-sorry that I’m such a dddd-d-d-d-d-...um, let down, that I cah-cah-can’t just be a normal son. That I cah-can’t even order a c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-”

“Coffee.” His Mum supplied.

“Ddd-d-d-d-d-don’t end my sssss-sentences. I’m going home. S-see you.”

On the bus Dan’s eyes stung with tears.

He retreated to his bed as soon as he arrived home, screaming into his pillow until his voice was raw. Rolling over, he lay staring up at the ceiling, a heaviness in his chest.He prayed to some Higher Power that he doesn’t believe in that his life could be different. Or that the floor would just swallow him up.


	2. Chapter 2

One particular YouTuber Dan admired was AmazingPhil, and he was the main reason he yearned to start making videos. Phil’s videos were hilarious, and clever, and he had lots of shared, nerdy interests with Dan. Not to mention the fact that he had his dream hair and the most gorgeous blue eyes…Okay, he had a HUGE crush on Phil. But like all of his other crushes in the past, it was completely unrequited. Even if he met Phil, which would never happen in a million years anyway, he wouldn’t even be able to say his name. Hell, he wouldn’t even be able to say his _own_ name.

In his latest video, Phil announced that he had set up a Twitter account. Dan immediately made an account to follow him. He loved Phil’s Twitter. It allowed him to see little snapshots of his day outside of his videos. Phil interacted with his viewers on Twitter, favouriting and sometimes even replying to their tweets. Dan felt like a fangirl, favouriting every single one of Phil’s tweets, and hoping for a response to his replies.

Dan could sense his Mum eyeing him as he scrolled through Twitter while they ate breakfast. He prepared himself for whatever lecture she had in store for him today.

“Aren’t you going to try and get a job?” She finally asked. “I worry about how much time you spend in the house.”

“Who’s g-g-g-going to want m-me?” Dan said, not looking up from his phone.

“I’m sure lots of places would take you. Employers aren’t allowed to discriminate against people with impairments.”

“S-sure.” Dan scoffed.

“Well could you at least try. All they can do is say no. It will be good for you to get out and meet new people.”

Over the next few weeks Dan must have applied for a job in every restaurant and shop in Reading. He would be invited for an interview, which consisted of 10 minutes of him stammering as he tried to answer their questions, and eventually the interviewer would just give up. “We’ll consider, and get back to you.” they would tell him before promptly rejecting him because ‘there were other candidates more suitable for the role’. Sure, employers aren’t allowed to discriminate, but it doesn’t mean they won’t.

Dan eventually managed to secure a job in a warehouse, receiving deliveries and packing orders to be sent to customers. He didn’t have to talk to anyone which was good, but the work days dragged. He looked forward to his breaks when he could check Twitter to see if Phil had tweeted anything new.

 **@AmazingPhil:** seeing Drag me to hell tonight :D

 **@Dan_Howell:** **@AmazingPhil** better go jogging, you need to have a good heart to live through all the surprises every 10 seconds :)

 **@AmazingPhil:** **@Dan_Howell** i can’t wait :]] (it’s too hot to jog tho, can i just sunbathe plz. i am brave

Dan ignored his phone vibrating where it sat next to him on his bed. He had nearly completed a castle level on Super Mario Bros. and wasn’t going to jeopardise it for what would probably be a text from his Mum asking him if he could hang out the washing.

When his phone vibrated a second and third time in quick succession he glanced down at the screen, seeing the Twitter icon flash up several times. Dan paused the game and picked up his phone. His heart skipped a beat when he saw the URL @AmazingPhil on the screen. He had replied to his tweet. Phil had spoken to him.

Dan swiped to unlock his phone and, sure enough, there was the tweet from Phil on Twitter. He went to type out a reply, but after several failed attempts to write something coherent he resigned. Resuming Super Mario Bros. he ran straight into a Lava Bubble, failing the level. The game didn’t seem to matter so much anymore.

Phil eventually tweeted again in the late evening when Dan’s family were all asleep, and he was in his normal spot in his bed catching up on his YouTube subscriptions.

 **@AmazingPhil:** Loved Drag me to Hell!! =] –how many gross things splattered on her face!?!also our cinema was so loud it actually hurt in the jumpy bits >_<

 **@Dan_Howell: @AmazingPhil** I know! during the bit where they were summoning the demon the whole room was shaking!

 **@Dan_Howell: @AmazingPhil** Did you then get vomited on with maggots? cause i hear there’s this mexican lady that can help with those sort of things

Dan typed out his reply, locking his phone and resuming the video he was watching.

A couple of minutes passed, and he was interrupted by his phone buzzing beside him on the bed. The twitter icon flashed up on the screen with a notification.

 **@AmazingPhil** started following you

He sat up quickly, unlocking his phone to open the Twitter app. And sure enough, there it was.

 **@AmazingPhil** started following you

It must have been a mistake, Dan thought. He must have clicked through to Dan’s profile to block him because he was annoyed by all of his tweets, and followed him instead. There was no way that Phil meant to follow _him_. He would realise his mistake, and unfollow within the next few minutes. Dan shouldn’t get his hopes up. He returned to watching his video, but his willpower only lasted a minute before he gave up and checked again to see if Phil was still following him.

When he looked at his phone this time he was met with a DM from Phil.

**June 2nd**

Phil: I’ll be dreaming about maggots eating my flesh for the next 3 weeks!   
Hope you don’t mind me following you O_O

Dan read over Phil’s message, his heart beating out of his chest. He didn’t want to reply too quickly and look overly keen. But he also didn’t want to leave it too long that Phil wouldn’t think he wasn’t interested. After agonising for a few minutes he tapped out a response.

Dan: i think i imagined seeing maggots in my bed for 2 weeks after it!   
no its fine, i’m actually a huge fan

He read back over what he had written, deciding saying he was a ‘huge fan’ could come across as creepy and changing it to just compliment his videos.

no its fine, i really love your videos

Dan must have looked over what he wrote another 20 times; checking for typos, or anything that could be misinterpreted. He clicked send. Phil replied back within seconds.

Phil:haha :p yeah ive seen you comment on some of my videos. I recognise your icon :3

Dan: oh, hahah. Thats embarrassing. im not a stalker i promise

Phil: hmm, i dont know you. You could be o_o you could be outside my room right now

Dan: that would be impressive seeing as i live in Reading :P

Phil: oh kwl xD have u been to Reading festival before?

Dan: yh. For the past 3 years. I saw fall out boy this year and nearly died

Phil: im so jealous :o Pete wentz is my favourite ^_^

Dan: they were cool. My personal favourite were radiohead though

Phil: love them too. I think we have the exact same music taste o____o spooky :p

Dan: we must be twins, hahah.

Phil: we must xD time for phil to sleep now. Zzzz. i’ll message you tomorrow ^__^

Dan locked his phone, placing it on the bedside table. He had spoken to Phil. They had had an actual, albeit very short, conversation. And Phil said that they would speak again tomorrow.

Warmth filled his chest. For the first time in a long time he was looking forward to tomorrow.


	3. Chapter 3

Over the next week, Dan and Phil messaged every day. Talking to Phil was the only thing that got him through his long days at work.

He clocked off for his lunch break, going into the staff room and immediately checked his phone. Phil had messaged him 25 minutes ago.

**June 9th**

Phil: Helloooo ^__^

Dan: hi sorry i didnt reply, im at work :[

Phil: don’t worry :D   
where do you work?

Dan: at this warehouse unpacking and packing orders its as dull as it sounds

Phil: wow that does sound dull >.<

Dan: yeah and im not even allowed to listen to my own music i have to listen to whatever they have on the radio which is normally gold uk or some other shit

Phil: that sounds like torture 0_0   
are the people you work with nice?

Dan: uh i don’t really speak to them tbh

Phil: are they all really scary or something?

Dan: no. well i mean yeah, in a way. I’m just not very chatty with strangers

Phil: me neither i think i took those stranger danger talks way too seriously in secondary school :P  
are you on your lunch break? i wanted to ask you about something

Dan: yeah im off for the next half an hour. what is it? :)

Phil: it’s about a video idea I have

Dan: i’m listening

Phil: ok so i was thinking of using annotations to make this interactive video where you have different options to select and then it takes you to different videos. and the videos would be unlisted so you’d only get to see them by following the path. and it would have this whole narrative, and each path would have a different outcome to the story and the story would be space themed  
what do you think?

Dan: Phil Lester how are you such a goddamn genius

Phil: you think it’s a good idea :D

Dan: i think it would be amazing :]

Phil: it will be so time consuming to make though 0_0 but worth it

Dan: yeah definitely worth it!

Phil: thank you dan ^___^ *giant bear hug*

Phil uploaded the video a few days later which he entitled ‘Space Adventures’. Dan spent over an hour watching every single possible path so he could see all the little videos he had made.

Phil was such a creative, clever guy. Dan couldn’t believe that he enjoyed talking to him - that he trusted him enough to tell him about the video idea before anyone else. Dan typed out two tweets, pressing send before really giving it a second thought.

**@Dan_Howell: @AmazingPhil** I think I have a crush on you.

**@Dan_Howell: @AmazingPhil** As for the soundtrack.. I think I love you.

He was soon alerted to a DM from Phil.

**June 11th**

Phil: so im guessing you liked the video ^_^

Dan: yes i loved it! it was so creative ive never seen someone else do something like it

Phil: thanks! im so glad ppl like it :D  
btw your crush tweet got me thinking. are you single?

Dan: are you asking me out ;P

Phil: hahaah sorry that probably sounded really weird. no i was just curious :3

Dan: sadly i am very single.

Phil: have you ever dated?

Dan: no, unless you count the girl i dated for two days in primary school xD  
my first and last gf

Phil: oh are you gay?

Elizabeth Hammond was Dan’s only friend in primary school. She had a speech impediment too, a lisp, and Dan was glad to have a friend who didn’t judge him for his speech. Despite being a year below him, they spent every break time together racing around the school field or pretending to be pirates or astronauts.

Of course the time they spent together didn’t go unnoticed by other pupils, and they were the subject of much playground gossip and teasing. “Lizzie and Dan sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G.” The pupils would sing when they returned to the playground at the end of break. Perhaps they had been worn down by all the teasing (or more likely they were just bored because the school field had been closed all week) because one sunny afternoon in June they decided to become boyfriend and girlfriend. They held hands around the playground, exchanged small gifts - all of those super romantic things you do at age 8.

On day 2 of their relationship they were sitting behind the hut in the playground - one of their favourite secluded locations in the school - and they had their first kiss.

“Thhh-thhat was weird.” Dan said as they parted.

“Yeah.” Elizabeth agreed. She shrugged. “Race you to the other side of the playground.”

Thus ended their 2 day romance.

Dan never really considered his sexuality through the early years of secondary school - all of his energy was taken up just trying to survive his school days. If there was a Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs for secondary school he was right at the base of the pyramid and couldn’t be interested in such frivolous, self-fulfilling needs as being in a relationship.

It wasn’t until Dan was 15 years old when he realised something was awry. He wasn’t ogling girls like some of the other boys in his class. When they watched Romeo + Juliet in English class, he was sighing along with the girls at a young Leo DiCaprio. He remembered the exact moment when the thought ‘maybe I’m gay’ popped into his head. There was nothing special about the day, he was just walking through the Maths building to class when the realisation hit him. It had felt like the walls of the hallway were closing in around him.

Dan had always thought if he just survived secondary school that his life would get better, but here was another pile of shit to add to the cesspit of his life. Like: _‘Congratulations, you’ve survived secondary school with a speech impediment! Now have a life of being ostracised!_ ’

Despite having known he was gay for over 3 years, he had never actually come out to anyone. Given his non-existent dating experience and lack of social life he had never found himself in a situation where his sexuality came up. Dan hesitated before typing out his reply to Phil.

Dan: yeah. i am.

Phil: kwl :)

Dan let out the breath he didn’t know he was holding.

Dan: what about you?

Phil: i’d say i’m 98% gay

Dan: what’s the other 2%

Phil: probably haribo :P

Dan: xD have you ever dated a guy?

Phil: i have had a couple of bfs   
nothing super serious  
and i got around quite a lot during uni  
if you know what i mean ;P

Dan: ;)

It was easy to feel normal when he was talking to Phil, to get caught up in the fantasy that he might like him back. But hearing Phil talk about going out with friends, about his dating experience - like any normal guys in his 20s - that brought him back to reality like a punch in the gut. Because Dan wasn’t normal. He couldn’t have those things.

Phil: hey do you have a webcam we should totally skype sometime

Dan: no sorry my webcam is broken :(

Phil: oh :( that’s a shame  
you could get a new one?

Dan: yeah maybe  
i should probably sleep i have work tomorrow  
good night phil

Phil: good night dan :3 <3

As Dan lay in bed that night he made a mental list in his head of all of the reasons he would never be able to date Phil.

Reasons Why Phil Will Never Date Dan

  1. Dan can’t say his name
  2. Dan can’t say Phil’s name
  3. Dan can’t offer a coffee
  4. Dan doesn’t have any friends
  5. Dan has never had a boyfriend
  6. Dan can’t speak to Phil on Skype because then he would find out about his stutter (refer to reasons 1-5)




	4. Chapter 4

**June 13th**

Dan: this woman emailed us today demanding a refund because the corner of the bag she ordered had been folded over. it wasn’t even creased it was just folded over!

Phil: oh wow i do not miss working with customers >.<

Dan: you dont work?

Phil: no  
well technically i do because i make money from my youtube videos

Dan: i didn’t realise you could do that!

Phil: yeah the YouTube partnership programme it started in may. basically you get some ad revenue. it’s not much but it means i don’t have to get another job

Dan: so i guess you can say that youre a professional vlogger :P

Phil: i guess so ;P  
Phil Lester, professional vlogger  
not the career i imagined

Dan: did you go to uni?

Phil: yeah i went to university of york i did english language and linguistics

Dan: interesting…

Phil: did you know that the word dismantle originally meant “to remove a cloak”

Dan: wow

Phil: yep. and other such facts that have been suuuper useful in my life XD  
have you been to uni?

Dan: no i just finished college hahaa

Phil: so do you live at home?

Dan: yeah with my parents and my brother

Phil: do you think you’ll go to uni?

Dan: my parents want me to be like a doctor or a lawyer but idk  
i have no direction in life lol

Phil: well sometimes you just fall into things when you don’t expect it :]  
i mean, look at me

Dan: yeah maybe

Phil: oh i meant to ask have you managed to get a webcam yet?

Dan: no sorry i don’t really have the money for one atm :(

Phil: oh ok. we could speak on the phone?

Dan: i don’t have any minutes sorry  
listen i have to get back to work. speak soon :)

Phil: speak soon dan <3

It was how pretty much every conversation had been going for the past couple of weeks - they would chat, Phil would suggest that they Skype, and Dan would quickly think up an excuse as to why they couldn’t.

Of course speaking to Phil on Skype or on the phone was what Dan wanted more than anything. But as soon as Phil heard his voice any chance of a friendship, let alone a romantic relationship, was out of the question. He knew he was being dishonest, but couldn’t he just enjoy talking to Phil for a little longer?

***

**@AmazingPhil:** Children of men is so well made. Specially the last 30 mins 0_0

 **@Dan_Howell: @AmazingPhil** children of men: happiest film ever

 **@AmazingPhil: @Dan_Howell** we should watch it every Christmas ^_^

**June 15th**

Dan: i’m glad u liked children of men otherwise i would have DELETED you :p

Phil: lucky for me i didn’t hate it then

Dan: definitely one to watch at christmas then ;p

Phil: i’ll get the mince pies :D

Dan: would you actually want to meet me irl though?

Phil: yes of course i really want to meet you in person i think you would be really fun to hang with :]  
plus i can kick your ass at mario kart

Dan: you would never beat me at mariokart  
it is my best skill

Phil: we’ll see about that ;P  
would you want to meet me irl?

Dan: yeah of course  
but i mean we are still strangers and i don’t have much money for travel and my parents would probably be worried that you’re some psychopath who wants to abduct me and eat my babies

Phil: eat your babies? XD

Dan: you never know phil

Phil _:_ We should skype first then ^_^ so you know i’m not a serial killer

Dan: Yeah maybe :p still dont have a webcam though :[

Phil: You’ve been saying that for ages are you sure you’re not secretly 65 years old?  
Or do you have alien hands or something 0_0

Dan: [Photo]  
can confirm 18 years old and no alien hands

Phil: ^_^ you are so pretty

Anxiety swirled in Dan’s stomach. He couldn’t keep lying to Phil like this.


	5. Chapter 5

It had been an unusually hot July, and given the lack of windows and ventilation the warehouse was like a sauna.

Dan normally took his lunch break in the back of the staff room so he could watch YouTube on his phone or message Phil without being disturbed by his colleagues, but the allure of the air conditioning meant he had been taking his break in the office. It was a sunny day and most of his colleagues were sitting outside, so it was just him and Joe.

Joe was one of those sporty, outgoing guys - the kind who would have been in the ‘cool group’ at school. Fortunately he, like his other colleagues, ignored him, so he was spared the embarrassment of trying to talk.

They were sitting silently on their phones, when Joe stood up. “Hey, I’m popping to the shop. If anyone rings can you take a message please? Thanks.” He was out of the door before Dan could protest.

Joe had barely been gone 5 minutes when the phone rang. Dan took a deep breath before picking up.

“Hello, this is Karen calling from Delta suppliers. Who am I speaking to?”

Dan opened his mouth to reply, but he completely blocked. He took a deep breath again, but was still only able to produce breathy sounds.

“Hello?” Karen said. “Hello? Anyone there?” His palms were sweating. He tried a third time to speak, but couldn’t get a sound out. “Hello?” He slammed the phone down, groaning into his hands.

The phone rang a further three times - he ignored it.

Dan braced himself when Joe returned to his desk. “Dude, I told you to answer the phone!”

“I know, I t-t-t-t-tttttt-t-t-t-tttttt-ttttt. Um, I’m s-s-s-s-s-sssss-sssss-”

“Whatever, dude.”

When Dan got home from work he went straight up to his room, burying his face in his pillow.

The only person he wanted to talk to about what happened was Phil, but that wasn’t an option. He hated that he was hiding such a big part of his life from him. He couldn’t talk to him when he had difficult times because of his stutter; couldn’t explain that he didn’t have a plan for his life because he can’t do anything, or answer him as to why he doesn’t just quit his job and get one he likes.

Adding to that, Phil was growing suspicious of his excuses for avoiding speaking to him. He had been probing Dan more and more when they messaged, and his guilt about lying to Phil had been increasing exponentially. Something had got to give.

***

The sun was setting on another sweltering summer day. Dan’s family were hosting a BBQ, and a buzz of activity could be heard through his open window. Dan had managed to get away early and retreat to his room to play Resident Evil. Nothing like a horror game to escape from the real-life horror of a family BBQ.

His phone vibrated beside him on the bed. Dan smiled when he saw Phil’s name pop up on the screen, pausing the game.

**July 24th**

Phil: Helloooo

Dan: hey :D

Phil: you enjoying the weather?

Dan: not really lol  
my family are having a bbq and i am hiding in my room hahaa

Phil: XD i dont blame you i hate family bbqs  
i have also been hiding inside but that’s mainly because i am so pale i immediately burn in the sun

Dan: didn’t realise i was talking to an actual vampire

Phil: secrets out

Dan: well it does explain a lot  
your weird sleeping pattern  
and i have always thought your bed looked like a coffin 0_0

Phil: yep. sorry you had to find out this way

Dan: lol

Phil: :D speaking of vampires. i got some new buffy merch. did you manage to get a webcam? i want to give you a full 360 view.

Dan: no sorry :-(  
couldnt you just send me a video

Phil: i mean yeah but i want to see your live reaction

Dan: well sorry to disappoint

Phil: webcams are like £10 surely you could use some of your pay from work to get one? :)

Dan: no its not just the money my parents wouldn’t want me getting one because they think id use it to make weird videos or have skype sex with girls idk

Phil: but you’re 18 surely you can make your own decisions about what you spend your money on? :3

Dan: theyre just really funny about stuff like that. ok.

Phil: sorry i didn’t mean to upset you by bringing it up

Dan: you didn’t just...can we please change conversation

Phil: yeah but it feels like you always change topic whenever i suggest speaking haha  
i just really like you dan and i really want to talk to you on skype and meet you irl :(

Dan: i really like you too. and i want that too.

Phil: well then is there something you’re not telling me? because you know that you can tell me anything  
Is it the gay thing? have i been coming on too strong or something because i value you so much more as a friend and i would never do something to make you uncomfortable.

Dan: no no it’s not a gay thing

Phil: then what? 

Dan: I HAVE A STUTTER. ok. And not like a cute ‘I stumble when I get nervous’ stutter, I literally can’t speak. I can’t even say my name. and it’s so embarrassing and i didn’t want you to know because i really like you and how could you still like me when i can’t even say your name or speak at all. 

Phil: oh

Dan: yeah  
thats why i loved what we had so much phil. because we could have all these discussions and joke about and you liked me without having to know about my stutter. and i let it happen because i was enjoying it too much to be honest to you and im sorry  
so can we just end this now before it hurts even more

Phil: i dont want to end this

Dan: i dont think you understand phil i cant even walk into a coffee shop and order a drink. i don’t have any friends. im an embarrassment.

Phil: i’m your friend

Dan: you wont want to be when you hear me speak

Phil: i am interested in everything you say and i can’t see that changing  
i know you must have been hurt by people in the past but at least let me speak to you. give me a chance to show that it really doesn’t matter to me what you sound like.

Dan: not tonight im exhausted. but i will think about it.

Phil: <33

Dan locked his phone and lay back on his bed, smiling up at the ceiling. He had told Phil about his stutter and he had accepted him. Of course, he still hadn’t heard him speak, so there was every chance that could change. But he didn’t have to lie to him anymore. The guilt and anxiety he had been carrying over the months they had been talking ebbed away and he felt light as air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The secret is out!
> 
> Thanks to Charlotte ([danhoweiis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/danhoweiis)) for your help with the dialogue in this chapter :)


	6. Chapter 6

Dan focused on calming his breathing as he stared at the contact page on Skype, waiting for Phil to come online. ' _It's gonna be fine, it's gonna be fine._ ' He chanted.

Despite his self-soothing his stomach felt like it flipped over when the green dot popped up on Phil’s icon.

 ******Incoming Video Call from Phil Lester**

'Well this is it. Don’t fuck it up’ He muttered to himself.

Phil’s face appeared on screen. Dan could see that he was in his bedroom because of his recognisable green and blue bedclothes.

“Hi!” Phil said cheerily, waving.

“H-h-h-h-h-h-h-…um, hhhhi. Great ssss-s-s-start.” Dan said, and they both laughed. “My stah-stah-stammer gets w-w-wwwworse when I’m nervous, and I’m like the n-n-nervoustest I’ve ever been right n-n-now.”

“I have been told I can be pretty scary.” Phil said, putting his hands up to look like claws. Dan chuckled. “No but I am super nervous too.”

“I’m glad I’m n-n-n-nnnn-not alone.” Phil smiled at him. “W-w-www-wwww-what?”

“I’m just so happy that I finally get to speak to you. To hear your voice.”

“Is it wwww-w-what you expected?”

“No actually. I think I was expecting you to stutter on every single word? But it’s just some letters?” Phil said, quickly adding “Sorry I shouldn’t have brought it up it’s probably the last thing you want to talk about.”

“D-d-d-don’t worry. I’m hah-hah-happy to talk about it.” Dan said, and he could see Phil relax. “So there’s letters I n-nnnnever have a pppproblem with like words s-s-s-ssstarting with ‘b’ and words ssstarting with vowels. And then there’s words I completely block on and cah-cah-can’t say at all. And other letters are varying d-d-dddd-ddd-degrees in between.”

“Ah, that makes sense.”

“Yeah. And I generally t-t-t-ttttry and avoid words that I know I will block on by rep-rep-rep-placing them with easier words.”

“What letters do you block on?”

“Well I cah-can’t sssay them to t-t-tell you.” Dan laughed. “But, um, I cah-cah-can’t ssssay my own name, even though words s-s-starting with ‘D’ are usually nnnnot too bad, and I wouldn’t be able to s-s-say your n-name because I block on that ssssound.”

“‘F’ sounds?”

“Yeah.”

“Or if you want to be fancy the _voiceless labiodental fricative_.” Phil said, in a mock voice.

Dan laughed. “I f-f-f-fffff-, uh, remember you ssssstudied linguistics. What does that even m-m-m-mmm-mmmean?”

“Something to do with the teeth and the lips, I don’t know.” Phil shrugged. “I remember that in my name the ‘P-H” is called a digraph because it’s two consonants combining to make one sound - the ‘F’ sound.”

“Interesting.” Dan said. The irony was not lost on him that Phil was versed in phonology and phonetics when producing sounds was Dan’s greatest struggle in life.

“So if you block on your name what do you do when you have to say your name?” Phil asked.

“Uh, I normally use a m-m-mmmade up name.”

“Like what?”

“When I was younger my mmm-m-m-mum used to call me ‘Bear’ because it was s-s-something I could sssay. And I w-w-wwwwould introduce myself like that to people. D-d-d-d-didn’t work so well when I got older. Now I just say I’m c-c-called Brian or ssss-sss-something.”

“Brian? That’s so boring! If I was going to make up a name I would be Blaze, or something.”

Dan laughed. “There is no w-w-w-w-way I’m cool enough to be called Blaze.” 

“You totally are. Blaze Howell.” Dan rolled his eyes.

They chatted for over an hour. Dan couldn’t remember the last time he had spoken so much. Normally people would be too impatient to keep listening, or finish his sentences to speed things up, but Phil just sat and listened, waiting when he stuttered. He actually cared what Dan had to say, even if it took him a long time to say it.

“I sss-s-should p-p-probably go to bed." Dan eventually said. 

“Yeah me too. I’m just really enjoying speaking to you.” 

“I’m really enjoying s-s-ssspeaking to you too.” They smiled at each other for a moment.

“Hopefully we can do this again sometime? Skype, I mean. If that wouldn’t make you uncomfortable.” Phil asked.

“N-n-no I’d love to!”

Phil grinned. “Good night, Dan.”

“Good n-n-nnnnnight.” Dan replied.

Phil made a hand heart before hanging up.

***

Dan woke up the next morning for work feeling more positive than he had in months. He joined his family in the kitchen, popping a couple of slices of bread in the toaster.

“You seem chipper this morning.” Dan’s Dad remarked, taking a sip of his coffee.

“D-d-d-do I?”

“Something you want to share?” He asked.

“Well actually, um, I have been sssspeaking to this guy online and, um, we s-s-spoke on Skype last nnnnight.”

“Oh how lovely is this someone you know from work?” His mum asked.

“Is it your boyfriend?” His brother sneered.

Dan decided to ignore that comment. “N-n-no he’s a, um, he mmmmakes YouTube content. We ssstarted sp-sp-speaking on Twitter and yeah.”

“So you met him online?” His Mum said, concerned. “How do you know that he’s not a creep?”

“I’ve sssskyped him Mum!”

She didn’t seem convinced, taking a sip of her tea before asking. “What’s his name?”

“Um, I can’t ssssss-s-say his name because it’s, uh, it starts with ‘P’ ‘H’.”

“You can’t say your own boyfriends name?” His brother smirked.

‘He’s n-n-n-nnn-nnn-nnnot my boyfriend!” Dan snapped.

“Just please be careful, Dan.”

“This is why I kept him sss-sss-sssecret from you guys! I was really hah-hah-hah-happy, and had f-f-f-fffff- met ssssomeone who d-d-d-didn’t care about my s-s-ssstutter and you’re all just RUINING IT.” Dan grabbed his bag and his shoes, heading to the front door.

“Aren’t you going to get your toast?” His Dad called.

“I’ll get ssssomething on the w-way.”

He picked up his car key, slamming the front door behind him. In his car he sat at the steering wheel trying to calm his breathing. He pulled out his phone to message Phil.

Dan: I fucking hate my family.  
i told them about you. that we had spoke on Skype. and they couldn’t just be happy for me. they were saying that you were probably a creep because of course no one who wasn’t could actually like me. and then my brother was joking that you’re my boyfriend, and he wonders why i haven’t even told him that i’m gay.

Dan didn’t expect a reply for a while, as it was too early for Phil to be awake. But he felt more calm having vented to him.

He checked his phone during his morning break and he had received a reply.

Phil: Skype tonight?

Dan: yes plz

***

“I just cah-cah-can’t wait to get out of here.”

“Have you had any ideas about what you want to do?” Phil asked.

“It’s less about what I wwwwant to d-d-d-d-do, and more about what I cah- _can_ do. My parents wwwwant me to go to university to sss-sss-s-sstudy law or something. But how am I ssss-s-supposed to be a lawyer if I cah-can't t-t-tttttalk to people?”

Schoolwork had been a welcome distraction in secondary school from the constant bullying, and Dan had worked hard in his classes. As a result he was a high achiever academically - in top set for all of his classes, and gaining high grades. Many of his peers in his set who received similar grades went to university, and Dan’s teachers had encouraged him to do the same.

And he did consider it - he liked studying, and university would allow him to gain some independence from his parents - but when he thought of possible career paths there was always a barrier. He thought about being a doctor (too many people to talk to), working in an office (too many meetings), a researcher (too many presentations), or a teacher (why would he want to go _back_ to school). There wasn’t any point in getting a degree if he couldn’t _use it_ for anything.

Even though it was an active choice to not apply for university, he still couldn’t help the pang of guilt when he heard his Mum talking about ‘So-and-so’s’ daughter who is studying at Oxford University. He knew his parents had high hopes for his career and he hated letting them down.

“Oh my god, I’ve just had a thought!”

“Yeah?”

“Why don’t you start a YouTube channel! People would love to watch your videos! and we could collab!” Phil said excitedly.

“N-n-no one is going to wwwwant to w-watch a guy s-s-sss-sss-stuttering f-f-f-f-, uh, sssssix m-minutes.” Dan scoffed.

“Yes they would. Because they would see how funny and cute and interesting you are, and look past your stutter.” Phil grinned.

Dan lowered his head, blushing. “I d-d-d-dddd-dddon’t know.”

“Well it’s up to you. But I think you’d make great videos Dan!”

“I’ll th-th-th-think about it.”


End file.
